Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
