Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
