Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
