Just fell off a train. Bad.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
