I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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