Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Is it penis luge time yet?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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