I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
