i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
