We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
