I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
