Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
its not stalking. its research.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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