Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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