Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
