My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
