you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I skipped work to stalk him.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
