I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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