tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
