i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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