i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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