All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
