Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
