i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
