I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Your penis caused this!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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