I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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