I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
