Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
