I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
