And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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