I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
