Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
