Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
