Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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