someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
