Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
