The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
