Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
