Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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