what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
