He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
