If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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