When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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