I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
