considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
