Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
