Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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