i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
