guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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