mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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