i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
