When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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