it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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