Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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